I’ve been trying to find the words to write for over a week now. I’ve struggled for days of wanting to update our tribe, but also struggling with the feelings of devastation, hurt, and bitterness that has just come in waves. Everything has just been so very overwhelming. But yesterday on Instagram one of my favorite female Entrepreneurs, Lindsay Teague Moreno said, “Who you are is exactly who you need to be”. (Or so I thought that was what she said, but when I listened back to the video, she said something totally different but clearly THAT was what I needed to hear, so I’ll give her the credit for inspiration). And I vowed to share ever step of this journey, the good, the bad, the ugly, in hopes that if it inspired even just one person, it was worth it because they too matter.
Almost 4 weeks ago now, James and I were presented with a unique adoption case that typically would have never been on our radar but after 14 no’s since April our hearts were guarded but open. It was a second chance adoption of two preteen biological sisters that had been placed & adopted out of foster a few years ago by a family, that had now made the very difficult decision that the girls would have a better life in another home and now were trying to find a new adoptive family for them.
We knew nothing about second chance adoptions, had definitely not been planning to bring home two preteens, but God was stirring inside both James and I’s hearts and so strongly leading us that we were suppose to pursue this case. I was terrified, we had this all planned out, we were ready for a baby. But these were two preteens girls that had been through so much trauma in their life and I didn’t know how we were going to do this. While James on the other hand, who is always cautious and skeptical of everything, was all in. For many reasons but for one this man that sits beside me in all of this just knows more than anything in his heart that one day he is meant to raise girls, because in his own words is there anything cuter in this world then a little girl in a princess dress.
We spent days inquiring about their history, background, medical records, school records, videos, pictures, reviewing what a second adoption would even look like, and finally after lots of prayer and counsel we officially began the process with the agency in charge of helping them find a new family. Within a couple days we were approved by the director of the program as a great fit and amazing home for them, and the next step was that their current adopted parents also had to agree that we were the right fit. So we waited. One week went by, no answers. That’s ok we understood they needed some time and would probably take the weekend to decide. The weekend goes by, Monday and Tuesday, still no answers. The entire rest of the week goes by and on Friday we finally hear back from the agency that after additionally families inquired about the girls during our second week of waiting on an approval, their family decided we were not a good fit and that they were going explore their new options instead. It was very clear to us that in this situation we were strung along, until “something better came along”. And as much as it hurt I honestly don’t blame their adoptive parents, because they are just trying to make the most out of a horrible situation and are just doing the very best they know how to do.
But I can tell you I felt so many mixed emotions personally, and I think James would agree, but the strongest being the same voice inside of my head that I’ve heard for so many years, you aren’t enough and you are unworthy.
But I’m here to tell you that is a lie from Satan himself. We are EXACTLY who God made us to be and who he needs us to be to rise to the purpose he has created for our lives.
The night before we found out the girls wouldn’t be join our family, a sweet friend of mine, that I’ve had the privilege to take care of since almost the day I opened our practice, told me that her and her 4 year old said a sweet bedtime prayer for us and our journey the night before. And like always when anyone tell us they have been praying for us I thanked her, but this time also said, there are so many talking to Him on our behalf and we are thankful. To which she replied, He is probably up there tell each and everything one of us, “Hold on y’all I’ve got this!”
And thank goodness he does because we don’t, I would be so lying to each of you right now if I said we weren’t so lost and heart broken. Not for us and our empty arms, but for these two sisters and so many more babies and kiddos just like them that may never be given the life they so deserve full of love and potential.
We don’t know what’s next for us in this journey. Do we continue to pursue infant or sibling adoption? Do we take a break? Do push through? Is this our transition phase just like with mommas that get to birth their babies, that just when we think we can’t make it one more minute our blessing is on the other side? One of my friends begged and pleaded with me not to give up after everything we have been through this month, and even though some days it seems really dang appealing and the easiest way to protect my heart I never will. Not as long as I know there in my heart that there is still a child (or multiple) out there for us in need of a home full of love and grace, just like our Father has given us, I won’t stop.