For the first couple of years of our infertility struggles, I didn’t know how to talk about it. Especially because every time we did, the typical comments of you guys are so young, you just got married, you have plenty of time, you don’t want kids while you are in school… (you fill in the blank with any of well meant comment you can think of) were all we heard. I didn’t know how to explain the hurt and longing for what I knew was meant for our lives, but more importantly I put a lot of blame on myself from the beginning. It was my body that wasn’t cooperating, and even though not a single day did I ever feel alone in our journey, it was still incredibly hard to process. This has made it so hard to share my heart somedays, and often times I go radio silent quiet just because I don’t know what to say.
I have started and stopped this blog post countless times over the last 10 months. And if we are being very real right now I still don’t know that I have all the right words of what a roller coaster this journey has been like so far. What I do know is that as time goes on, and some of the very fresh & open wounds begin to heal, I’ll be able to share more of what this journey has been like every step of the way.
But to start: Our Home Study process was not easy. End of story.
For those of you that aren’t super familiar with the adoption process, this is a very rigorous process involving very minimal actual study of your home and more of multiple hours upon hours of in depth interviews of the state of your marriage, physical, spiritual, & mental health status, personal finances, relationships, family, and your ability to care for and love a child through the adoption process and the rest of their lives. Not to mention the 20+ (this might be a tad bit of an exaggeration) background checks, medical exams, vet visits, training hours, etc to go right along with the interview process. Without the approval of your home study, you are not eligible to proceed with the adoption process.
Well we’ve decided to call our home study process, our adoption gestational period, because it only seems fair. It took 3 agencies and 9 months to-the-date, for this process that typically takes most adoptive families for 4-6 weeks to complete, and that all the adoption books we’ve read claimed was the easiest part of adoption.😂 This process tested my faith like almost nothing I’d ever been through before, and I’ve been through tough shit. To the point that I sat at lunch with my husband earlier in the week before we were finally approved bawling my eyes out (he hates it when I cry in public, but real life it happens), asking WHY would God bring us through this, to not bring us through it?!?! But then the miracle we had been praying for happened, we were finally approved to begin sharing our story and hearts for adoption with birth mommas in hopes for a potential adoption match on the Thursday before Good Friday (could there be a more perfect day?!?).
For the last 4 1/2 weeks, we have been sent case after case of expecting mom situations from our amazing consultant group Mustard Seed Adoption Consultants, that we have prayed over, cried over, and longed to be a vessel of hope and love for those mommas and their babies. 5 times so far we have said yes to presenting ourselves as a potential match, and 5 times we have heard no in return. Honestly, I can say that each time we heard no, we celebrated that another family was instead hearing their yes. And each no that we have heard so far has been an incredible blessing in opening our hearts to hope again, that for a while I was afraid was buried in so much pain of how this journey started.
One of my favorite humans Rachel Hollis has a quote that she says often, “Life is either happening to us or for us”. We can either enjoy the ability to embrace the suck or the season of life that doesn’t go as we expect it to go. All along knowing in our heart that God’s grace will prevail in every situation and that his protection is over us, or we can let it ruin us. We can let it destroy our marriages, destroy our relationships, destroy our hopes & dreams, destroy our faith, or we can choose to Worship in the Wait. Every single roadblock we have hit along the way has propelled us to an even more perfect story that only God himself could have written, and we can’t wait to see what the next chapter looks like.
Until next time,
Delta (& James – he proofreads therefore you can blame any of my bad grammar on him)