This is a repost of my original blog from 7/1/17 sharing our fertility story for the very first time.
This week should be one of the happiest of my life, I got to celebrate 3 amazing years of marriage to my best friend, the man that makes me a better human being and loves me through all my faults. Don’t get me wrong it’s definitely been a week to celebrate, but it’s also been a very difficult week for me as well. Because not only is it our 3rd anniversary, it’s a different kind of anniversary as well. 2 years ago this week James and I decided we were ready to start a family of our own.
Fast forward two years to today, or approximately 82 movies dates in our world later. I’ve gained my Doctor of Chiropractic degree, and we gained a total of 3 new degrees between the two of us. Our fur family has grown by two to now four. We packed up all of our things and moved 385 miles back to Mississippi, leaving our first “home” together in Atlanta behind and then shortly afterward moving into our first house of our own. James began a new job, all the while we navigated the uncharted waters of opening our own business, my dream Chiropractic practice, and embraced all the challenges and blessings that is has brought along with it. But that’s the story most of you already know.
The last 2 years have also included lots of tears, frustration, ~20+ negative pregnancy tests, and tons of mixed feelings of failure, inadequacy, brokenness, guilt, resentment, jealousy, impatience, and anger.
To say the last 2 years have been hard is an understatement. Watching more and more of our friends announce their pregnancies and welcome their new bundles of joys, as happy as we are for them, is hard. Getting asked on almost a daily basis if we have kids is hard. Then the follow up response of “well do you really want to have kids right now with a new business/while in school/insert your idea of why it’s not the right time for us” is hard. Some days even getting out of bed knowing that you are going to go another day without the one thing you pray for without ceasing is really hard.
I’ve always been an emotional person, anyone that knows me knows that, but what I have felt dealing with our infertility struggles, I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Most recently, the emotion I’ve struggled with the most is anger.
I’ve been angry with the medical doctors that failed me as a child, for not allowing my body to fully develop on it’s own, and instead putting me on artificial hormones for over 12 years. Leaving my body with an inability to know how to function on its own now. I’ve been angry with myself that my body is the reason, that I can’t give us the one thing our heart desires. I’ve been angry because despite all the things we have tired, to change our circumstances, we seem no closer today than we were 2 years ago. And worst of all if we are being honest, I’ve been so angry with God for allowing it all to happen this way.
But perspective is everything… and in life things aren’t always going to see “fair”.
Babies pretty much run my life, in a mere 4 months my practice has filled with them. It sure doesn’t fill my void, but it definitely makes it a lot more bearable. The vast majority of my chiropractic practice is filled with Mommas preparing to bring their babies into the world, Mommas trusting me to take care of their babies from newborns to full grown teenagers, and most importantly Mommas on their own journeys of trying to get pregnant. Many with histories of multiple miscarriages, infertility struggles of their own, and some just trying to prepare and insure their body is functioning at it’s best for their entire pregnancy whenever the time may come.
A few weeks ago, our pastor Dr. Mark Byrd at First Ridgeland preached on a series called No More Maybe. This sermon series has been huge in my healing process. One of the most profound things I remember him saying during one of the sermons was from pain comes purpose.
Wait, let me say that again in case it didn’t sink in for you the first time, from PAIN comes PURPOSE.
God’s calling in our life isn’t always black and white, but it is always perfect. I know that being able to share a part of our story with my patients, friends, and family has been to help others along their healthy journey, and was ultimately all apart of his plan from the beginning. Everyday I wake up more and more ready to serve families, moms, dads, and kids wherever they are on their healthy journey; sick, well, or somewhere in between, because they and YOU deserve more than all the health challenges just like ours that society faces every day! All of the pain that we have experienced to gain our story has only confirmed my purpose in life of insuring that families in our community get their best chance at living the happy and healthy life they deserve.
I’ve felt the calling to start this blog and to finish writing our story for quite a while. I’m going to go ahead and apologize for all the spelling and grammatical errors now, as small details clearly aren’t my thing. But I want to continue to share our journey in health, love, business to those we love and those that our story can inspire both near and far. I’m not sure exactly what form or shape this blog with take in the future, and I’m just going to let God continue to guide me in that way according to his will, but I’m sure you can definitely expect some bad movie critiques and lots of puppy love pictures in the future.
Until next time,
~ Dr. Delta
“When You don’t move the mountains
I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust.” ~ Lauren Daigle